The Words Got In The Way

This past weekend was a musical friend's birthday.  She has a gig at a restaurant and invited the party to come to her gig versus hold a party offsite.  She is an amazing musician. She's getting her PhD in Music.  Yeah, she's THAT good. 

Well as she's playing her keyboard and guitar, she asks me to get up and sing Roberta Flack's "Killing Me Softly".  Not the Fugees version.  Lauren Hill would have back handed me if she heard me sing.  Roberta wouldn't be very approving either.  I got up and choked!  I lost my place, made up the words even though the lyrics were in front of me and was soft and weak with my projection!  It was my worst nightmare.  I hated my friend for throwing me up there but she knew that if I didn't get more stage time and experience, I wouldn't get the chops to do it on my own.  This young couple was giggling lightly in the background as I choked on every blessed note. The song was killing me softly and all I could think about was..."Those kids are laughing at me!"  It was a horrible vulnerable feeling and I was mad at myself for letting the performance anxiety get me.  I've never had problems performing in the past.  Was it the proximity of the audience? Was it the size? There were only a few people there. Was it the song choice? Was it the incessant giggling that I could hear echoing throughout the room from that stupid couple?!

I was mortified!  And I could have sworn the male of the young couple was video taping me and putting me up on You Tube for Worst Performance Ever!  People in China would soon be laughing at me. 

As the evening progressed, more of my friend's pals came in, sat down and played music right off the top of their head with ease.  I was so jealous.  But why?  If I actually rehearsed and tuned up my voice, maybe I could just pick up and use my own instrument!  I had to text for reinforcement.  My two solid as a rock Lifer Friends were able to talk me off the ledge and get me to tackle the song and my fears.  I want to be a professional singer with Gigs!  Doing the onesy -twosy thing is not working.  And Karaoke, as much as I heart it, wasn't making me feel like a big winner lately either. 

My musical friend and her gang urged me to do a do over of the Flack song.  I was hesitant.  I wasn't begging for an encore.  I wanted to swim away in my Gin and Tonic.  But after reading my Lifer Friends' texts, I was charged up and ready to go.  And you know what?!  I kicked that song's butt!  Flack and the Fugees would be proud.  My friend was pleased and was happy that I took another chance on the stage.  Sometimes your friends push you in the right direction even though it feels uncomfortable and wrong.  I'm one more performance closer to finding my sound.  I've got to send that wish list of songs to Axe to see if I can pull something together.  Things are chugging along.  But I need to stop hoarding my talent.  It's not good for my soul or my sound.