Here Comes The Sun!

I think I may be dreaming but I believe the sun has finally decided to show it's beautiful sunny face today!  

I don't know about you, but not seeing the sun in almost 2 weeks had a profound effect on my mood.  

There were a lot of things to celebrate- like me getting hired to be an expert career coach with The Muse, or my awesome radio interview with NGFY Radio or my kicking some serious butt during the Workweek Fitbit challenges with my friends.  

All were hollow victories.  The sun was gone.  I was feeling funky and low.  I was trying to pin point why I was feeling this way but rather than fight it.  I just felt into it.  

Everything isn't sunshine and peppermints when you're following your dreams.  I needed to take a break and just be.  These weeks of no sunshine- made me very introspective and cavey. (Cavey- It's my word for feeling like a hermit and not wanting to go out and commune with the world)

Not seeing the sun for so long made me take a step back and learn a few things.  

I was ripping and running.  I just finished up my 2nd house concert and I was friggin shot!  I was tired.  I was on the performance campaign of a lifetime, shaking hands and kissing babies (well, not really- but I was hustling like a crazy person getting my cards out there and making sure folks knew about my music and my coaching business)  What a learned is that NOT everyone needs to know about it.  Wait, what?!  

Earlier in the week, I had a phone interview with a potential survival job employer.  What's a survival job?  It's the job you are getting to make some extra cash while you're building your business.  I value the hard work that it took to build my business so far.  However, this is a key thing to keep in mind, when you're interviewing for other companies...they want to feel confident you're not going to hit the road as soon as your own business takes off.  So, I learned (the hard way) after getting turned down for the job- that not everyone needs to know your business about your businesses.  I'm going to do some editing to my resume and approach things differently next time.  "The right job will come at the right time."  "The right client will come at the right time."  These are mantras that keep me hopeful and focused.

This Whole 30 experience which I successfully survived is now in it's reintroduction phase. 15 more days of restriction with a tease of introduction. You introduce what you cut out and then eat clean for 2 days.  It's even more painful than cutting everything out all together.  I found out that my relationship with food is more fractured than when I first started this experience.  It's hard to make restrictive choices when most restaurants don't offer what you need how you need it.  

I became the worst version of Sally from "When Harry Met Sally"- asking for substitutions, and every friggin thing- "on the side."  It made me see food as a chore and a task and I realized that I stopped eating all together because the process of eating had become so exhausting and boring.  

Cooking for myself wasn't fun.  It was a task.  I don't think this was the intent of Whole 30 at all.  I miss being able to eat and drink in moderation.  I don't think I will be doing this again.  But I have learned that peanuts and gluten will no longer be things I will be eating on the regular.  Reintroducing them into my diet have felt like an Ultimate Fighting Championship was going on in my gut!  There were no winners- sports fans!  

I also learned that I need to stop pushing myself so hard to create.  I know I need to record some of my already written songs but I've got to stop pushing myself to crank them out like some machine.  That's not how this works! That's not how any of this works!  My creative process is best served with patience and kindness.  

My guitar has been gently weeping in the corner for about 2 weeks now.  I see it leering at me angrily.  It's been hard to articulate but I just haven't felt like playing.  My heart has been so turned off from playing anything.  I wonder if other musicians feel the same way.  I also have major issues practicing around my fiancé.  He is super supportive but he's a real musician.  I don't see myself as a guitar player.  I see myself as a singer who plays the guitar.  There's a major difference.  It's a hindrance and I feel it gets in the way.  

My fiancé insists that playing an instrument is a great thing and helps me convey my music more.  I find it an odd, uncomfortable prop that I can't seem to master after all of these years that I honestly feel like leaving it sitting there- for the rest of my life.  Can you tell, I'm not feeling the guitar? 

He's been playing professionally for over 20 years and has perfect pitch.  No pressure to sing and play around him at all!  It's like auditioning for Simon Cowell, American Idol, The Voice and America's Got Talent every day.  He's not judgey but he certainly will let me know if a chord is off or the phrasing isn't right so I don't continue to practice mistakes consistently.  I value his opinion but I make a lot of mistakes.  It's a Pavlovian reaction when he calls things to my attention which make me desire practicing less.  

I know I need to take some guitar lessons again pronto tonto.  When?  When I have a bit more liquid income.  Newsflash- being a musician with original music isn't a money maker!  I flaked out of an open mic because I hadn't practiced in a while and honestly didn't want to make a fool of myself.  I was embarrassed.  Damn that sun! It's the sun's fault!  No, it wasn't.   I just didn't feel like doing anything.  Nothing at all.  I was living a Bruno Mars' song.  

I've been itching to do some yoga..but I've been too lazy to do the DVD my sister gave as a birthday give years ago.  Too lazy to do yoga?!  What the hell?! I think it's time to take some action to do more of that too.

Getting into funks is easy...getting out of them can be a real struggle.  I'm going to attack this week with my curiosity.  Keep moving exercise wise and try to win the trophy for most steps!  I also think these Serenity Study meditations are working...I need to keep that up too.  

Now, today the sun is shining.  My soon to be sister in law is in labor with her second child- on Mother's Day, I may take a jaunt around the neighborhood and try out a new recipe for dinner.