Aches on a Plane

I am trying so hard not to cry on this plane! This Italian man who apparently either loves Harley Davidson or works for them is quietly snoozing next to me. I keep sniffing and only one eye is weeping. Don't you hate that?! Or am I the only freak that cries out of one eye?

I hate crying!  I especially hate crying in public. 

I just watched the film version of Into The Woods on the in flight service. I was in this show in undergraduate school. It was my 1st show actually.  It's near and dear to my heart!

I was called back for Little Red twice. 

Once I got called back at undergrad but got passed up for an upperclassman and the second time I was passed up for a kid after grad school (I was also called back for The Witch- another coveted role filled by a great actress who also didn't happen to have a sinus infection at call backs and was more awesome than me). 

As I watched the film with adult eyes, I was immediately touched. Not only by its story but by my intense love for music and musical theater. 

I am so weepy. I got this way when seeing Wicked a few years ago on Broadway. 

The lyrics and music touches me. And what's even more present is my strong desire to perform.

I know that "the life" is tough  My friends and family who are in the theatrical struggle show and tell me that all of the time. But there is an intense desire to do what I love.   

Why is it wrong to want to pursue this type of career now?  I know -I'm older. 

My Aunt told me yesterday that I should stop taking my current job so seriously. She says treat it like I treated music and theater- like a hobby. She said I should approach music and theater like my job.  Really?! Like doing something for the last 18 years which has been my identity can be cut cold turkey?!  I have no time in my day to pursue my music and theater career. 

Like I can immediately stop hating my job and then I'll magically be healthy. I truly believe my health issues are psychological.  And what stings is that my oldest friends knew this wasn't the right fit for me but have the decency not to say "I told you so!" But I just had to give this one a try (I said this for every job I've had and each time it misses the mark)

My boyfriend's dad told me today that his son needs to find something more "stable" if he's going to support us while I pursue music and theater. I got offended. I don't need anyone's financial support while I go for my dreams! I told his dad that we will support each other and that I'm completely capable of supporting myself as I have for the last 40 years. 

My heart hurts today. 

Is it homesickness because I'm officially away from Charleston? Or is it fear of going for all that I want from this world?

I deserve love!

I deserve health!

I deserve to earn a living and have fun doing it! Or at least not grind the teeth out of my head, have a chronic cough for the last 4 months, lose my hair, have a lowered libido, develop a hernia from the chronic cough and take several meds to get through the day.   

This is the 1st time in a long time that I'm not doing things to please my parents or others. 

I'm scared as hell to fail. But it scares me more to not have tried. 

I have got to stop crying next to this man. My mascara tears may mar his really awesome Harley racing jacket. 

While I type this-I'm traveling to a face to face meeting in AZ for a job that doesn't get me up in the morning. How do I just not care? 

Damn! I think I have Pringles salt in my eye! 

It's going to be a huge Oscar winning performance this week at the face to face meeting this week. Damn, I should get the lifetime achievement award at this time. Fake it until you get the hell out of there!

45 mins to showtime!