Enjoying the Silence(Well, sort of)
Today is Day 5 of my complete and total vocal rest.
Let me rewind a bit for you.
On Wednesday, 7/24, I wanted to find out why my voice was getting more hoarse and I wasn't even singing or talking as much. Ok, I was talking a lot and sang just a little bit. Ok, a lot. But I only practiced 1.5 hours for the song I never sang at my mom's retirement party. Why didn't I sing?! Because when I got really hoarse, I reached out to my doctor and she told me the steroids prescribed weren't working. She forbade me from singing at all until she saw me on 7/31. She also told me to stick to limited talking too. This was very difficult seeing my family and friends in NJ for a 72 hour period. And I got more hoarse. I sounded like Susanne Plechette.
On Wednesday, 7/31, my ENT and I looked at my scope of my chords. Which is totally cool to see your chords in action. However, I saw something that I didn't hope to see. My swelling was worse and what I saw that freaked the hell out of me...I saw more pronounced swelling..which means that nodes were developing! This could mean surgery! This could mean scaring. This could mean no singing or talking at all for LIFE! This could mean no band. This could mean no musicals-three that I had lined up leading into 2014. This could mean NO Work!
She ordered 2 weeks of total vocal rest. Taking me out of work. Thankfully I was already on vacation that week but now, I had to take off another week. I also was directed to drop out of "5 Guys Named Moe" because even after the 2 week vocal rest, I'd need to learn new techniques and rehab my voice.
I broke down and cried in the office. She scared the hell out of me. I didn't know how addicted to singing and talking I was. I just couldn't believe it got so bad! I saw my future of really trying to find my professional singing sound fading away if I didn't do what she said. I'm not Adele but damnit, but I was trying to pursue my passion in singing and it could slip away forever!
I immediately texted my manager at work, my mom and all of my friends for prayers and support to tell me to shut the hell up. Having pre nodal edema that was one thing. Having pre nodal edema and having to be silent for 2 weeks and being such a social butterfly- was a totally different thing. My boss thought I could come in and just write out notes. I felt that approach wasn't going to be successful, since we tried that before and our employees need direct interaction and that requires a lot of talking. So I told her I was going to take additional vacation. I have found enough self esteem "sound" to stand up for myself and my health.
So I leave the doctor's office crying in the pouring down rain. I drive away realizing that I have to be silent (no talking, no whispering, no singing, no coughing, no clearing my voice) until 8/12.
What I didn't see was that someone in the pouring down rain in the parking lot ran into the back of my car and took off. That was a devastation that I realized a few days later. It was like God didn't want to kick me any further down than I already was.
I also had the painful task of writing the director of "5 Guys Named Moe" and dropping out of the show. I've never had to drop out of a show. She was totally understanding and happy that I was taking care of myself. She wished me well and said that she hoped I was healed up for their next musical. Thankfully, I dropped out before rehearsals so there wasn't a huge disruption...but I knew that show would have put me on the Charleston theater map a little bit more. The cast was amazing.
But I can't run the risk of not being able to ever sing or perform again. That long term reality was worse than the short term satisfaction.
Day 2, one of my friends came over and we watched Food Network and Comedy Central and she filled me in on her day. She also was kind enough to bring dinner over and we shared a bottle of wine. I "talked" through an app on my MacBook called "Voice". It was fun to talk to her in various voices while typing what I thought. It took some time for her to wait for what I wanted to say but it was a successful and exhausting night. I was grateful to have her company. 2 days in silence was already killing me!
Day 3, I needed to get out of the house! I had to go to the bank. I typed out instructions for the bank teller to deposit my money on my tablet. I gave her the instructions hoping she didn't think I was holding up the bank. She loved the directions and since she 'knew' me, she understood that I wasn't going all Bonnie and Clyde in the place. Transaction successful. Later on that day, I found the car damage. I saw the dents in my trunk, the bent license plate and scratches in my paint and threw the yucky emotions away. I thought, "things could be worse" and went for a walk on the beach. I needed some fresh air and fresh perspective.
But let's not dwell on that anymore. I went to the beach and that was beautiful!
Day 4, I had plans to see my girlfriend's new home and help her pick things out. It was challenging. I could tell my friend felt awkward talking about her plans and touring the home but I was able to share my excitement for her big accomplishment and helped her pick stuff out. Later we met some other friends of mine at a Champagne Extravaganza. My friends are really the best!
One of my girlfriends gave me a gift. 2 pads of paper(lined and unlined), a box of colored Sharpie markers and some cool Duck Tape(just in case I couldn't keep my mouth shut)! HAHA!
The markers and paper came in handy. I sipped my bubbles, giggled and learned so much about my friends. I actually enjoyed listening more than talking. I think being silent exposes so much more to life.
Later, I went to dinner and that's when I discovered that eating out and being on vocal rest in a noisy place was not so good. I was whispering which was a HUGE NO NO! So I had to stop and my friend patiently ordered for me and we ate in silence. I think she felt badly but was great company.
Today is Day 5, I have plans to finally practice guitar. I need to find a song that has no lyrics which is a foreign concept to me. What?! No singing?! Just playing?! Impossible?! I'm pretty sure there are songs out there. I need to broaden my horizons. My guitar teacher is excited to hear me "talk" like Stephen Hawking tomorrow at lessons. My phone app "Talk Bot" only talks like a robot. It's not very loud but effective. He got the app too so we can "talk" to each other in the same way. It will be an interesting lesson.
More chronicles of my voiceless adventures to come. I did my food shopping last night and did self checkout so I didn't have to talk anymore.
Another upside to total vocal rest, I've been working out more. I plan to mix up my workouts and practice more yoga. I'm also doing the "Black Women Do Abs-So- Tightly Right 24- day Challenge". I'm pretty sure all women can do this challenge. LOL! A few of my friends have signed on so we'll see how we do. I can already feel that it's working. If I can sort of look like this sista in the picture, I'll be stoked!
I have more time on my hands and this weight loss has plateaued. 10 more pounds to go!!!!
It's like my body has stopped losing. It's comfy. I haven't been this thin since I moved to Charleston three years ago! I love putting on clothes that I held onto after countless Goodwill and Kidney Foundation donations. There is a pair of jeans I put on that used to be skin tight and now I can pull them down without unbuttoning them! They are falling off of me! HUZZAH!
I'm staying on the Genetix program. It works! I think I'll be able to reach my goal by September. I have nothing but time. And I need to be realistic.
So far so good. Finding my Sound in silence. How Deep.
Let me rewind a bit for you.
On Wednesday, 7/24, I wanted to find out why my voice was getting more hoarse and I wasn't even singing or talking as much. Ok, I was talking a lot and sang just a little bit. Ok, a lot. But I only practiced 1.5 hours for the song I never sang at my mom's retirement party. Why didn't I sing?! Because when I got really hoarse, I reached out to my doctor and she told me the steroids prescribed weren't working. She forbade me from singing at all until she saw me on 7/31. She also told me to stick to limited talking too. This was very difficult seeing my family and friends in NJ for a 72 hour period. And I got more hoarse. I sounded like Susanne Plechette.
On Wednesday, 7/31, my ENT and I looked at my scope of my chords. Which is totally cool to see your chords in action. However, I saw something that I didn't hope to see. My swelling was worse and what I saw that freaked the hell out of me...I saw more pronounced swelling..which means that nodes were developing! This could mean surgery! This could mean scaring. This could mean no singing or talking at all for LIFE! This could mean no band. This could mean no musicals-three that I had lined up leading into 2014. This could mean NO Work!
She ordered 2 weeks of total vocal rest. Taking me out of work. Thankfully I was already on vacation that week but now, I had to take off another week. I also was directed to drop out of "5 Guys Named Moe" because even after the 2 week vocal rest, I'd need to learn new techniques and rehab my voice.
I broke down and cried in the office. She scared the hell out of me. I didn't know how addicted to singing and talking I was. I just couldn't believe it got so bad! I saw my future of really trying to find my professional singing sound fading away if I didn't do what she said. I'm not Adele but damnit, but I was trying to pursue my passion in singing and it could slip away forever!
I immediately texted my manager at work, my mom and all of my friends for prayers and support to tell me to shut the hell up. Having pre nodal edema that was one thing. Having pre nodal edema and having to be silent for 2 weeks and being such a social butterfly- was a totally different thing. My boss thought I could come in and just write out notes. I felt that approach wasn't going to be successful, since we tried that before and our employees need direct interaction and that requires a lot of talking. So I told her I was going to take additional vacation. I have found enough self esteem "sound" to stand up for myself and my health.
So I leave the doctor's office crying in the pouring down rain. I drive away realizing that I have to be silent (no talking, no whispering, no singing, no coughing, no clearing my voice) until 8/12.
What I didn't see was that someone in the pouring down rain in the parking lot ran into the back of my car and took off. That was a devastation that I realized a few days later. It was like God didn't want to kick me any further down than I already was.
I also had the painful task of writing the director of "5 Guys Named Moe" and dropping out of the show. I've never had to drop out of a show. She was totally understanding and happy that I was taking care of myself. She wished me well and said that she hoped I was healed up for their next musical. Thankfully, I dropped out before rehearsals so there wasn't a huge disruption...but I knew that show would have put me on the Charleston theater map a little bit more. The cast was amazing.
But I can't run the risk of not being able to ever sing or perform again. That long term reality was worse than the short term satisfaction.
Day 2, one of my friends came over and we watched Food Network and Comedy Central and she filled me in on her day. She also was kind enough to bring dinner over and we shared a bottle of wine. I "talked" through an app on my MacBook called "Voice". It was fun to talk to her in various voices while typing what I thought. It took some time for her to wait for what I wanted to say but it was a successful and exhausting night. I was grateful to have her company. 2 days in silence was already killing me!
Day 3, I needed to get out of the house! I had to go to the bank. I typed out instructions for the bank teller to deposit my money on my tablet. I gave her the instructions hoping she didn't think I was holding up the bank. She loved the directions and since she 'knew' me, she understood that I wasn't going all Bonnie and Clyde in the place. Transaction successful. Later on that day, I found the car damage. I saw the dents in my trunk, the bent license plate and scratches in my paint and threw the yucky emotions away. I thought, "things could be worse" and went for a walk on the beach. I needed some fresh air and fresh perspective.
Day 4, I had plans to see my girlfriend's new home and help her pick things out. It was challenging. I could tell my friend felt awkward talking about her plans and touring the home but I was able to share my excitement for her big accomplishment and helped her pick stuff out. Later we met some other friends of mine at a Champagne Extravaganza. My friends are really the best!
One of my girlfriends gave me a gift. 2 pads of paper(lined and unlined), a box of colored Sharpie markers and some cool Duck Tape(just in case I couldn't keep my mouth shut)! HAHA!
The markers and paper came in handy. I sipped my bubbles, giggled and learned so much about my friends. I actually enjoyed listening more than talking. I think being silent exposes so much more to life.
Later, I went to dinner and that's when I discovered that eating out and being on vocal rest in a noisy place was not so good. I was whispering which was a HUGE NO NO! So I had to stop and my friend patiently ordered for me and we ate in silence. I think she felt badly but was great company.
Today is Day 5, I have plans to finally practice guitar. I need to find a song that has no lyrics which is a foreign concept to me. What?! No singing?! Just playing?! Impossible?! I'm pretty sure there are songs out there. I need to broaden my horizons. My guitar teacher is excited to hear me "talk" like Stephen Hawking tomorrow at lessons. My phone app "Talk Bot" only talks like a robot. It's not very loud but effective. He got the app too so we can "talk" to each other in the same way. It will be an interesting lesson.
More chronicles of my voiceless adventures to come. I did my food shopping last night and did self checkout so I didn't have to talk anymore.
Another upside to total vocal rest, I've been working out more. I plan to mix up my workouts and practice more yoga. I'm also doing the "Black Women Do Abs-So- Tightly Right 24- day Challenge". I'm pretty sure all women can do this challenge. LOL! A few of my friends have signed on so we'll see how we do. I can already feel that it's working. If I can sort of look like this sista in the picture, I'll be stoked!
I have more time on my hands and this weight loss has plateaued. 10 more pounds to go!!!!
It's like my body has stopped losing. It's comfy. I haven't been this thin since I moved to Charleston three years ago! I love putting on clothes that I held onto after countless Goodwill and Kidney Foundation donations. There is a pair of jeans I put on that used to be skin tight and now I can pull them down without unbuttoning them! They are falling off of me! HUZZAH!
I'm staying on the Genetix program. It works! I think I'll be able to reach my goal by September. I have nothing but time. And I need to be realistic.
So far so good. Finding my Sound in silence. How Deep.
You can so do this. Henry Rollins and Tori Amos both had vocal rest needs and survived, so can you. So glad you're taking care of yourself.
ReplyDelete